Day 4 – Gratitude

Life is nothing but gratitude and love.

Marian Rujoiu

Ready – steady – go!

It’s time to go. We are done with the preparations. I told you I’m meticulous and that we can set off only after we have done all the preps. How would it be if, when you go on a holiday, you realize that you have left half of your luggage at home, or worse, that you didn’t even prepare a quarter of it?! I’m so rigid when I go somewhere, that I visually go through the whole house, every room, every shelf, to see if there is something that I might need, even though I didn’t put it on the list. I don’t want to end up regretting that I forgot something important at home. Starting today, you can look back at all the previous exercises and, if you want, you can add things to the completed lists at any time. You will notice that sometimes I repeat myself. There are moments when I feel the need to emphasize important stuff through repetition because, as my mother used to tell me when she made me write 50 times every new word I learned in a foreign language, “repetition is the mom of learning”. Are you curious about what I’m saying to my mother in my mind? “Thank you, mom, because the words I learned then diligently, still resound in my mind, and decades later, I am happy to master those foreign languages”. You see, there is no definition of perfection for the journey we take together. I am looking for constant evolution. And your diary is the proof of your evolution. If you read this book with the thought that one day you will read it once more, and only then you will do the exercises, today I scream “stop”. It is better to read slowly and give yourself time for the exercises, than to read it breathlessly and not practice. This is not an adventure book to read breathlessly to discover the outcome. This book helps you lay down the foundation for your new life.

When I prepared for the first time a challenge through which I wanted to make changes in my life and in the lives of all the people who accepted the challenge to be motivated by me, I took a piece of paper, I wrote down some ideas about what there is to be done, I sorted them and I ordered them so that I could feel that there was a meaning in all I do. I feel that all the steps have the same importance and that I should tell them all at once. But experience has shown me that there is a flow that needs to be followed. In order to be successful you have to follow a system that contains instructions with the required steps that need to be taken in the correct order. This is certainly not the only system that you can use, but by following these steps that have been verified, you have the guarantee that you are on the path that takes you to success. I hope you are not thinking at the moment about the idea that is running through my head now: Teachers tell you “don’t take the highway, follow your own path”. I agree with them, I also encourage you to make your own choices. This book is not about taking the highway, it is about using a system that guarantees your success on your own path. This journey is not on the highway. I am with you to provide exactly what you need, exactly when you need it and to back off when you are ready to pursue it by yourself.

It is now that I realize that since the introduction, in fact, I haven’t written a single thing about your relationship. I was so captivated by the preparations that I feel I might have confused you. Or maybe it is now that I’m confusing you. Maybe when you read this you begin to wonder why am I bringing this topic now into discussion. 

Well, if you’re not in a relationship yet or if you’re in a relationship that is already a good relationship, meaning there is more positive than negative, all you have read so far is in harmony with your being. 

If, on the other hand, your relationship is far from what one expects marriage to be like, you question the utility of all those preparations, as you don’t see any (good) change at home. 

There is one particular situation where you do not have to stay and wait to see changes in the relationship while you read the book: physical violence is not something you have to endure, and I hope you have the courage and support to get out of a violent relationship . If your relationship is cold or tense, without physical violence, it may be a relationship that has manifested like this for many years; 28 extra days will not be an eternity to implement the proposed system for this journey.

That being said, we get to the subject of today, because the time has come to go to the destination of your choice. After you have scanned the benefits and suffering from all sides, after you have routed up your memories and maybe you had feelings of doubt regarding all the preparatory work that we have done, today I propose you to sow peace in your soul. I wish you to find in your soul peace not only as a word, but that peace that you used to seek only on the outside, until now. 

Have you ever thought that the only person with whom you spend your whole life, every second of your life, is you? 

So who should be there for you, for better and for worse? I have told you that the story of how I met my husband made me feel that it is one of the most beautiful fairy tales. At the time when I was not looking for a partner, I met my husband who offered me support, from the moment we met. I was amazed to see this man sustaining me, to see how well he knows and understands me. I considered him my pillar. He came into my life to offer me support. I was asking him to give me something that I didn’t know how to provide by myself. On my first birthday, after I met him, he offered me the most beautiful gifts and surprises; I didn’t imagine that someone could love me so much and this made me really happy. 

Unfortunately, I soon succumbed to limiting beliefs. I started to be more and more demanding in our relationship that previously seemed to me enchanting. Because I couldn’t believe I had such a beautiful relationship, I began to have doubts about it. Negative thoughts rushed in, so I created an illusion of the relationship I wished for, combined with disappointment at my expectations built into that same illusion. I started criticizing my husband, I believed he stopped sustaining me. I was angry because I felt as if the ground had been taken from under me, and I could no longer stand on my feet. One day, when he told me that it wasn’t his job to sustain me, that my happiness should not depend on the quality of our relationship, I was shattered. How could he say such a thing to me, he, who had been my pillar, who helped me from the moment we met and had been with me for better or for worse?! I analyzed his words for a long time and ended up agreeing with him. It wasn’t his job to be my pillar. A strong bewilderment surfaced: if my happiness must be independent of the relationship with my husband, what is the point of a relationship between a man and a woman? The answer did not take long to appear in various forms, thus showing me that if I am my own pillar, he becomes my safety net. My happiness today does not depend on my yesterday relationship with my husband, but my happiness today creates the quality of my relationship tomorrow.

Although I didn’t go to church often, I liked to pray to God and I searched attentively for the answers He gave me. When I was weighing in on my marriage, even though I already had two wonderful children with my husband, I questioned myself how helpful it would be for me to talk with my friends about my relationship. I realized that talking with them about my marriage is not helping me. At best, I spent hours repeating a story, my version of the story, and I kind of felt like I was gossiping about my husband. I didn’t want to do that. 

Even though I told myself then that I no longer loved him, I was grateful for the wonderful children we have and I knew that he was not a bad man. His kindness from the moment I met him could not be erased from my heart. After praying, I called a close friend who, although had major challenges in her marriage, became an example of harmony and love, proving to me that love overcomes even the fiercest challenges. She was the answer to my prayer. She was and is an angel sent by God to enlighten me when I am on dark paths. The answer she gave me was: “write every day 10 reasons for gratitude for your husband”. “What do you want me to do??? I don’t appreciate anything about him now”. “Oh yes you do”, she answered. “You can be grateful because he washed dishes, he came home, he cooked, he talked gently to you, even for the fact he brushed his teeth or took a shower, not to mention for when he spends quality time with children. You can feel gratitude for your partner because of the kids you have together, for the holidays you spent in the past together, for the adventures and many other extraordinary experiences you had in the past together. You can feel gratitude for the things he did today or in the past”. I didn’t think that writing 10 reasons for gratitude daily would be of any help. After only one month, I felt that I was falling in love with my husband and I was starting to see glimpses of love in his eyes. After years of research to find all the secrets to have a harmonious relationship, in just one month we fell in love and appreciated each other as we both dreamed of. I could feel the anger melting, it was losing its meaning. It had become useless.

We, as women, have a strong critical sense. It’s certainly not true for all women, for this reason I’ll be talking about myself. I’ve seen that criticism came mostly from women. When I see a woman who criticizes and a man who looks at her calmly (because not all men get angry and react) I imagine instead of the woman a small dog, a chihuahua held behind the neck by the man; the dog can bark along, no one gets hurt by his barking. The dog is harmless, but the man doesn’t see the woman from the same perspective. Fortunately, it’s not men’s fault that women criticize them. Imagine that your husband does 9 things well out of 10. You start criticizing him for what he is doing wrong. The man replies “But honey, did you notice all the things I have done well?”. The man will understand that if 9 good things out of 10 don’t matter because one mistake cancels them all, he probably doesn’t have to do anything anymore, because he’ll be criticized anyway. This short example may explain why men stop getting involved in family activities over the years. It’s not a rule, but if this is your case, it’s a warning sign of your level of criticism. At an energetic level, when you think of, speak or do one thing with a low level of energy, you have to think of, speak or do 10 other things with a high energy level to offset the imbalance created. How can you counterbalance every criticism addressed to your husband all along your relationship? Do you think that extra little criticism will bring him closer to you, feel more love for you?

When you start writing in your journal at least 10 reasons stating why you appreciate your partner, you remember that his presence in your life is important, you remember that there still are things you love about him, even if they are part of the past. Writing down in the journal doesn’t mean you have to go and tell him what you have written. Your behavior will change, and he will notice it, without knowing what is the reason causing the change. If your relationship is tense, or if there is a physical or emotional distance, in the beginning there will be no visible results. When you plant a seed in the ground, you must wait a few days until you see the sprout. The change will come in time and you will feel it in your soul. When you feel hatred, anger or resentment towards someone inside your soul, the only person who is hurt is you. Imagine that hatred, anger or resentment is stored in a hot coal that you have in your hand and you want to throw it to the person you hate. Who is hurt by the hot coal: the person you hate or your burning hand?

Good habits are created with gentleness and patience. If I told you today all the exercises you will do along this journey, you would stop immediately and consider that your life is as good as it gets. You don’t have to do anything more than what you are willing to do right now. I only give you advice to encourage you to take action at every step. I really encourage you to set an alarm for the daily amount of time you want to invest in this journey, and when the daily time expires, it is up to you to decide if you want to continue or is enough for that day. I myself have started with these 10 gratitude reasons written in a diary. In the beginning I wrote them in the evening, then gradually I moved them in the morning. They became part of my morning routine. When I was writing in the diary in the evening, I felt tired, I was at the end of a busy day. I started waking up in the morning before everyone, so I was alone and enjoying privacy. Even if I recommend that you write down your gratitude in the evening before going to bed or in the morning immediately after waking up, don’t self sabotage yourself by saying that you can’t do this nor in the evening nor in the morning. Choose a time of day when you can have five minutes alone and write in the diary ten reasons of gratitude for your partner.

This step concerns you even if you are not yet in a relationship. Choose ten people you are grateful for, and write one reason of gratitude for each one. You can choose two or three people you are grateful for, write some reasons of gratitude for them, so that you have a total of at least ten gratitudes. You can start with your parents, even if they are no longer alive. You can think of people you met today, who helped you, they may even be people you don’t see, but thanks to whom your life is better. For example, I feel gratitude for all the drivers who drive carefully so that I can reach my destination safely. You can think of people who have helped you a lot in the past, even if they are no longer alive. Writing gratitude is just the first step today.

Today is a big step towards inner peace. Since the example I want to illustrate is very well presented in its original form, I invite you to discover one of the simplest methods to have a good life. It’s a story shared by Dr. Joe Vitale in his book Zero Limits. Joe Vitale shares the story of a Hawaiian therapist named Ihaleakala Hew Len, who healed all the mentally ill criminals at Hawaii State Hospital without seeing them, without consulting them and without prescribing them medication. Dr. Hew Len worked only on himself, and the patients healed.

Here is an excerpt from the book Zero Limits:

“Dr. Hew Len explained that total responsibility for our life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense, the entire world is your creation. 

Whew! This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another.

Yet the truth is this: If you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life.

That means the terrorists, the president, the economy – anything you experience and don’t like – is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you.

The problem isn’t with them; it’s with you.

And to change them, you have to change yourself.

I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility. But as I spoke with Dr. Hew Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho’oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone – even a mentally ill criminal – you do it by healing yourself. 

I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files?

“I just keep saying ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Please forgive me’, ‘Thank you’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again”, he explained.

That’s it? That’s it.

It turns out loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself. And as you improve yourself, you improve your world.”

I knew about the Ho’oponopono technique for years, I had practiced it in the past with incredible results and I took it out of the closet, from my memories, whenever I felt it could be useful to me. Until last year, I don’t think I was really aware of its power. Only then did I really feel how deeply it calms a restless soul. Unlike most techniques recommended when you want to change your inner state, this mantra does not require your attention at all. You don’t need to feel a specific emotion. You can practice it while doing different activities. For example: while you walk you can say one statement of the mantra at every step; while you wash the dishes or do house cleaning you can repeat it in your mind. You don’t have to believe in this technique for it to work. It is enough to repeat it during the day. Although you can think of a certain person or situation, even yourself, it is not necessary to focus on someone or something. Repeating the phrases of this mantra will give you inner peace, will raise your vibration and will allow you to observe self healing from inside and out.

Start your day with Ho’oponopono. In the morning when you wake up tell yourself «I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you». You can listen to Youtube videos with this mantra, you can mix the order of the phrases if you want. This technique offers so much flexibility that you might doubt its positive effects. If you were patient enough to read up to here and you are curious to find out what I have prepared for the next few days, I bet you’ll make the same decision I made when I received the advice to write gratitude for my husband. You may say, “I’m not sure that I believe this will work, but because I put my trust in you, I will do it for you”. After all, I have written this book because I am living proof that the steps I recommend have already worked.

Today represents the day you decide to act. So far you have reacted, and from today you say “stop” to the past. If everything you have done so far would have brought you a beautiful life, today you would be enjoying the most successful relationship with your husband and you wouldn’t be here with this book in your hands. If you are not satisfied with the way things turned out in your life, now is the time to change your approach. Start planting peace in your soul from today. Choose to feel gratitude and repeat the Ho’oponopono mantra. I dare you to replace your previous answers and reactions in situations of conflict with the mantra “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” and pay attention as you calm down. Remember: it’s not him who annoys you, it’s not him who upsets you. Your reaction is strictly related to you. If you are fine with yourself, his behavior cannot influence you negatively.

One of the most beautiful testimonials I have received from one of my clients was her change when she went shopping. Before, she was a pack of nerves, pouring out her grievances on employees or people in front of her in line at the supermarket. Learning the Ho’oponopono technique, she became happy that she had the time to stand in line and repeat the mantra, having good feelings for the cashier and other persons.

Exercises for day 4:

□ Allow yourself at least 5 minutes during the day and remember to repeat this magical mantra: I LOVE YOU. I’M SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. THANK YOU. The allocated time can be distributed throughout the day.

□ Write at least 10 reasons of gratitude for your partner and / or 10 reasons of gratitude for people with whom you interacted today or in the past, expressing at least one reason of thankfulness for each person.

Reread the intention set on the first day so that you can remember daily what the goal is for these 28 days; visually scroll through the lists of benefits and sufferings.

Challenge of the day:

Spend a few minutes in the evening, before going to bed, reliving today. Assess your energy level. How did you feel bringing and developing gratitude in your heart?

Choose one of the reasons why you feel gratitude for your partner and allow yourself to feel, deep down your heart, the love that has generated your gratitude. 

Recommendation of the day:

The movie War Room (2015) tells the story of a woman who is facing the failure of her marriage. She meets a lady who introduces her to a life lived in gratitude. The transformations that the main character is experiencing exceed her initial expectations.

Statement of the day:

I am happy because I can be thankful

I am thankful because I can be happy